‘Of Boys and Men’ and making positive changes for all

A lot of people are feeling very gloomy about the present and the future, and there are good reasons to be concerned. But as I look back over my lifetime, I see some very positive changes that have come to pass. One of them is the seismic change in the status of women in the U.S. Women’s employment, financial status, legal status and visibility, among many other factors, have improved dramatically since I was a girl. The struggle for equality for women is by no means complete, but we have come a long way.

A balanced perspective on boys and men

One of my advisors recently recommended a book to me, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, by Richard Reeves. I approached it with skepticism. Most writing I have seen that advocates for men is based on bashing women, especially feminists. The subtext or outright message of such writing often is this: If women would only go back to being subservient and dependent, men’s problems would all be solved.

Fortunately, Reeves’ book is not of that ilk. He is explicit in his endorsement of the progress women have made and insistent that opportunity for both sexes is not a zero-sum game. As he puts it, “A world of floundering men will not be one of flourishing women, and vice versa.”

To my great surprise and interest, Reeves makes a very solid case for the fact that many men are indeed floundering. He is a solid researcher and analyst, and he presents powerful evidence that in education, the job market and family life, a lot of men are struggling.

That’s disturbing. What also disturbs me is that when I talk about this with women, they often react with disbelief and/or hostility. The images of “toxic masculinity” and of privileged men for whom everything comes easily are very powerful in our culture. The notion that many men feel like failures and that their sense of self is confused and alienated—that just doesn’t fit with how many of us women see our male compatriots. 

Finding a way forward

I was a therapist for 25 years, and I’ve been an executive coach for over 20. I have worked with hundreds of men, engaging in thousands of hours of confidential conversation. I know what Reeves says is true.

For me, this is the big question: Can we look at each other with compassion instead of bitterness and resentment? Whether it’s gender, race, religion, political preferences or any of the myriad other elements that make us different or unique, can we recognize each other’s humanity and, sometimes, yes, pain?

This is a challenge for our whole deeply divided country right now. It’s also a challenge for business leaders who are trying to nurture productive, energizing environments that bring out the best in their people. 

No one has the monopoly on suffering and despair. Even big, strong white guys struggle sometimes. And to ignore or downplay that fact is both unkind and unwise

If you’d like to talk more about effective and compassionate leadership, please reach out at ggolden@gailgoldenconsulting.com.